Holidays

I have a very strong love/hate relationship with the holidays. Actually, I think all of my relationships with most anything at this point can be accurately described as "love/hate". I love the new opportunities being given to me, it is amazing. It scares the SHIT out of me, but I am still excited. I am on the verge of hating the one person who I thought loved me more than anyone on the entire world. This absolutely KILLS me. It also hinders every. other. thing. I do because I can't stop thinking about THAT situation. Which is probably one of the main reasons why I am so excited about my new job. Other than that, I hate how I let people have "holds" on me. How do I change that? How do I keep someone from having SO much power? (I really don't like that term but I can't think of a different one right now that will fit) over me. I don't mean power as in controlling my decisions or my day-to-day operations. When I say power, what I really mean is being able to make me have feelings that I don't want to have. Not to mention the fact that it is more often on my mind than not. 

God. I need friends. I need to get out of this house, really.

I realize this post has very little to do with the holidays. sorry.

Lately

SO. So much has been going on. My birthday was Monday and I invited a ton of people to come eat and have a drink for my birthday. Unfortunately, only two people came. HA! Thanks, friends! Oh well.

On Wednesday, I trekked off slight north. I had a job interview. I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY hope this works out. This is the opportunity I have been waiting for. I was not looking for a job at all but now that I know the possibilities, I am so hungry. This is what I want. I want Corporate America and big cities. God, please let this work out!

But mainly, I just want out of Mississippi. I feel like I have done my time here and it is time to move on. Maybe I am a gypsy at heart. (doubtful). But seriously, I am tired of this place. I am ready to move on and move up. Even if things don't work out, I think I might start looking into moving out of Mississippi, it would just be so much easier (and less stressful) with a job already in place. But seriously, I do not want Mississippi to be a part of my life anymore!

Chaos, or lack thereof

You know, sometimes I feel it is a bit ridiculous how structured I feel my life must be. For instance, right now I feel like my life is complete chaos. I think this is because I don't really have much stability, if you will. I mean, I have a stable (for the most part) job, but other than that, nothing is very certain. My future is not planned AT. ALL.

Let me just give you a couple of examples of how structured and planned my life actually is. Every day I wake up and turn on my iPod and it MUST play "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds". When I am on my way to work I listen to music on my phone until I get off Highway 82 to go to work and then I turn in to a CD. Every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday on my way home to work when I turn right onto Highway 12 I call my Dad. None of this EVER changes. If my Dad doesn't answer or if my phone isn't cooperating or whatever I freak out.

Why is this? Why do I feel the need to have such strict structure and schedule? When I really think about it, it blows my mind.

Postsecret

-----email-----

My father has cancer and I love him but I've never asked him to stop drinking because I'm afraid of how I would feel if he didn't.








This was on the postsecret website today. I love this website because it always makes me feel a little liberated every Sunday (or whenever I read it). Today, however, I didn't feel liberated but I did feel somewhat connected. 
My mom doesn't have cancer and she has never gone to AA. However, I have asked her to stop drinking (many, many times) and she did for a while. But I think that "pause" made her a better drinker, kind of like AA made this person a better drinker. She can better mask it to others and she can better justify it in her head. 
I really want to tell the person who e-mailed not to tell their father. That sounds terrible but I really feel like it is true. It hurts SO MUCH WORSE when you ask and they don't stop (or start back) because you feel like your feelings do not matter to them at. all. Nothing you can do or say will make you worthy enough for them to quit drinking. 
But one day she is going to die and it is going to be tied to her drinking and then I am going to feel solely responsible. Damn, talk about a catch 22. 

I love football season. I love Saturday and Sunday during football season.

I don't know what was wrong with me yesterday. I was an emotional basket-case, seriously. I cried, like, ten times. I woke up crying (but that was legit), I cried when my boss spoke to me, I cried because I thought one of my patients (an older lady) was just too precious, and then I cried several more times just thinking. I think a lot of my emotions came from two sources.
One is my birth control. This shit is crazy and it makes me crazy, seriously. It makes me physically sick, I think. I think this because all month (the whole time I have been on it) I have felt physically ill. I constantly feel nauseous and then yesterday (the emotional day) I actually threw up twice. Needless to say, I will be changing next week.
The second source of my crazy emotions (I think) was the dream I had the night before (thus, the waking up crying). I had a dream that I was being raped and the person that I thought would save/help me just stood there and watched. The raper was a patient that comes into the dentist office where I work and the dream was SO realistic. I was in a car (with what I thought would be the saver) and the raper came up to the window and asked me to get out of the car to look at his teeth. I did and then he pushed me down and it went from there. I was screaming for the "saver" and when I looked up, he was just standing there watching! SO, I think that had a lot to do with my state-of-mind yesterday.
I would like to know what this dream means. If there are any dream-interpreters out there, please analyze this for me!

I can't wait to get out of this damn house. This morning, I found a beer can in my room and I promise it wasn't mine. It's hard to get away from someone when you are in "their house". God, I hope I am never like that.

Anyway, so tonight I am going to a local bar for a "concert". I guess it is concert, it is a bunch of DJs. Apparently it is a pretty big deal. I haven't ever been before but people have been talking about this for weeks, maybe even months, seriously. My only reserve is the crowd. There is suppose to be a huge turn out which means there will be lots of people there who I don't care to see. Not to mention it is going to be PACKED. I would just go and get super drunk so I won't be as concerned with the people there but, alas, I can't spend the night at the bar so I will at least need to be able to safely drive.  We will see, I guess.

I think I just contradicted myself in those last two paragraphs. But, whatever.

Wow!

How emotional can one girl be? I mean seriously!

On top of that, how much can one person handle? I can NOT WAIT to get OUT of this house.

This has been a terrible day and I promise my posts will get better as my life does. However, until then, I apologize in advance for my negative comments. I am really hoping this blog will help me to release my anger and so I will be happier in general in real life!